Kill Yourself!

When I was growing up, I used to hear that Nigerians could never commit suicide, that we were the happiest people on earth. That Nigerians are used to “suffering and smiling”. A Nigerian musician actually did incorporate that phrase into his lyrics.

That was a “long long time ago”. Now we hear of 1000 ways to die! I will not list a few so as not to encourage anyone, but seriously how does one get to that point?

Not the point of deciding to end all troubles but the point of no regards to what would come after this life. It’s easy to say you don’t care but will you still not care if you really sit down long to think about it? Like get a pen and paper long?

I know it is counterproductive to compare live’s woes with a depressed person but seriously if you are thinking your case is not redeemable, wait till you have heard my story till my present age. There is one phrase that people of the faith use to underate the victories of a strong person while justifying the giving up of the depressed person that really gets me upset.

So they say “God will not give you more test/challenges than you can bear”. So I think to myself; so the problem is with me for being too strong. If I probably was weaker my challenges would have gone away faster? And then I try to cry, try to be vulnerable, and be depressed then just a few days into it I ask myself what I really was doing.

So there was one day I was in my lowest, with all the things going wrong with my life, I decided to change countries, like go study abroad, start my life on a clean slate etc. After doing all the required things, IELTS, transcript sending, fees paying etc, I was waiting for a feedback from the institution only to find out that my results had still not gotten to the school and the due date was already here! So I go to the agency which I used to ship it to try clarifying issues only to see that my parcel was still in transit! A friend I had applied with had already gotten feedback! I was so sad.

And so I got into the car and began driving home, at a traffic congestion, a lame beggar rolls up to my car window to beg for alms. I rather not describe the extent of the young person’s lameness but it is the worst I have ever seen till date. At that point I get a brain resetting vision.

I looked at him or her because the deformity rendered it had to determine the sex. The person looked older than me, and needed to be carried around. I thought to myself, this person can’t think of admission into a school, or even marriage not to talk about childbearing. Has no choice than to beg! Instantly my mood lifted, I counted my blessings, I was ALIVE, in good HEALTH, wasn’t BROKE, had a HOME to sleep every night, had a HOPE for a better future, I have a FAMILY who loves me, I have FOOD on my table, I could keep listing but you know the drill!

What’s that thing giving you sleepless nights? Why not enjoy that other thing that gives you joy while you look forward to the other thing?

I remember getting married for some years and having a delay in childbirth and being so worried about it, then my aunty tells me about her friend who got married on the same day as me but was late. I don’t remember the details of her death now, it was either an over dose of anti malaria drug or during child birth. At that point I felt rather ungrateful. Yes it’s good to desire good things but it’s best to be grateful for the good things you already have.

Weirdly Yours,

Email: strongnigerianwoman@gmail.com

Instagram and Facebook handles:@mysurrogatetwins

Twitter:@mysurrogatetwin

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7 comments

  1. “So they say “God will not give you more test/challenges than you can bear”. So I think to myself; so the problem is with me for being too strong. If I probably was weaker my challenges would have gone away faster? And then I try to cry, try to be vulnerable, and be depressed then just a few days into it I ask myself what I really was doing.””
    WORD!! DOUBLE WORD!!

    In all things, I thank God for the Holy Spirit that has the power to give the most profound “brain resets”, and for bringing joy and Hope even in the most dire circumstances! All hail The Almighty!

    I’d like to add that in all the turmoil, one should watch out for that subtle place of under-expectation or not even expecting at all, that place of not reaching for any desires or dreaming big, just because you are stuck in a place in a certain area of life, it’s easy to put your dreaming and visioning on hold. It’s a drain and a drag and can low-key haunt one for years.

    Like

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